... [Ardyn raised a hand to the back of his neck, ostensibly a nervous gesture one would see in a lot of people; but in reality he simply brushed a hand across the stolen sigil imprinted in black. The symbol of an organization he'd had a hand in dismantling, however indirectly.]
There's...far more than I've said. Some things I've brought up with all of you, a few I've only said to Junpei, and still more I've only told Church. But it's not a matter of lying or keeping secrets--not anymore. Not with any of you, I just...don't know where to begin, and perhaps I find myself still wondering if there truly is a line none of you are yet aware of.
['Is there really nothing we can call 'unforgivable' just for the sake of staying together?']
[Ardyn still wasn't sure of the answer to that. He trusted the others, and yet trust for someone who had been scarred by a kingdom's betrayal could only reach so far.]
...I've done worse to Noctis than the network can. So as much as I have faith he'll survive, I-...don't know what might happen if it should come out that he didn't.
... we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, I think. I mean... right now, there's not a lot I can imagine him saying that would make me turn on you. And... and maybe that would scare me.
[ She doesn't say anything else for a long moment -- she just sets a plate piled with buttered toast and a handful of fruit slices in front of him before going back to her own food.
Then she speaks up again. ]
But it doesn't. Maybe I'm selfish but the one thing I want more than anything is just for all of us to be able to stay together. To be happy, after everything that's happened.
And that means no matter what it turns out happened in that place, we're going to be with you while we do what we can to fix it. Whatever it turns out they did in there, we're not letting any of it go unanswered for.
Church said much the same thing on the matter. It isn't...a matter of not believing or trusting any of you, more that-...in the long list of things that I've done, I'm still certain something will be one step too far, one act too unthinkable for any of you to ever look at me the same way again. And you would no doubt be right to, there's nothing I've done that I can defend.
But I...want us to stay together. Perhaps it's selfish of me as well, but the last thing I ever want is to be left alone a second time. In dismantling the network and whatever may come after that-...I don't want to be left behind.
[ She's thought it before, so many times, but it creeps into her mind again as she looks at him and hears him speak so uncertainly. What would Noctis, what would Eos think of their Scourge now?
She'd like to be naive enough to think that it'd change a damn thing.
But he sounds so lost. And Yuuri thinks what does it matter what Eos would think? Why does she give a damn what Noctis will say when he sees the man he killed back out of the grave? But even as the thoght crosses her mind, she realizes: she cares because it would matter to Ardyn.
Yuuri leaves her breakfast sitting unfinished on the sideboard and just crosses the room so she can put her arms around his shoulders and press her face into his hair in as best a hug as she can manage. ]
... Not one more person. Do you remember when I said that? I said we weren't going to lose any more people in that goddamn place and I meant it. But it still counts here, too. I'm so sick of losing people. Of letting people get left behind. I'm not letting it happen again, no matter what.
I don't care what or who we have to fight to make it happen. When all this is over, you're coming with us. No matter what. And that's that.
Wh-?! [Ardyn froze up under the unexpected contact, arms hovering uncertainly for a moment before wrapping tightly around her.]
...I don't deserve any of you or the loyalty you've given me. I know that you'll argue, but it's true all the same. After all that I've done--all the suffering I've caused in the name of revenge I found justified, I should have died in Insomnia and let that be the end of it.
[His voice faltered with that acknowledgment, quiet and colored by uncertainty. What was Noctis going to think, if they were able to meet again? Would he believe Ardyn had lied and manipulated his way into this whole group, that he was just lying in wait for a chance to betray every last one of them for his own benefit? Or-...]
When it was over, I asked him what he would do. If he truly planned to banish the daemons--both of us knowing it would cost him his life. I asked if he would erase me from history once more. I'm not sure what I expected--perhaps that he'd tell me to stay dead this time, or confirm I'd be eradicated from existence in any and all forms.
[Had he told anyone this? Surely he'd said it to Church at some point, more than likely. But did anyone know how much a brief exchange haunted him now, with time enough to dwell on it and without the constant burning hatred making him something other than human.]
But he just looked at me and said...'this time, you can rest in peace. Close your eyes--forevermore'.
[When the prophecy is fulfilled, all in thrall to darkness shall know peace.]
[Again, sympathy where it hadn't been deserved or even wanted. Ardyn Izunia couldn't comprehend it, and Tenmyouji Ardyn was still struggling to understand it. Why had either of them cared even that much, after all he'd done? Why did anyone here ever give a damn about him? Why, when a whole kingdom and his own family had turned on him so easily, did no one else seem willing to condemn him when things came down to it?]
[Ardyn hugged Yuuri a little tighter--trying to hide the fact that his shoulders might have been shaking.]
...that is the last thing that I remember. What I am saying is that I don't have anywhere to return to--just you and the others. And I don't...understand why, after everything-even with yet worse that most of you don't even realize--you're still so willing to remain with me.
[Ultimately, 'forgiveness' was not something Ardyn knew well.]
[ Shut up. she wants to say. After so long of struggling to live, hearing I should have died from any of their number turns her stomach. But she knows that wouldn't help. It's what he feels, regardless of how little Yuuri likes to hear it.
But hearing that -- it settles her, just a little. She's spent a very long time bristling at the very mention of the so-called Chosen King but the more she hears of him the more she thinks that... maybe, just maybe he might understand. He might be able to see how the man he'd put to death had ended up as the man sat here in the middle of an alien's house and asking just why he deserved to be offered a basic courtesy like compassion.
She hopes so. God, she hopes so. ]
... I won't tell you any of what happened was-- was okay, or that you haven't done anything wrong. I'm not going to tell you "it's all in the past, you were a different person"... nothing stupid like that. I know it won't help and I think... if any of us were the kind of people who'd tell you a lie like that because we thought you wanted to hear it, we wouldn't be the kind of people you need by your side.
And that... wasn't my world. It wasn't my kingdom, my city. It isn't my place to look at something like that and decide I forgive you for it. B--but... but it also means I don't have any place to decide you don't belong with us because of it either.
[ Her words are a little muffled -- she's got her face pressed into his shoulder now (or well, as close as she can get with the difference in their height) but even then she sounds fierce. Even with the catch in her voice that betrays the presence of tears in her eyes. ]
We want you with us because-- because we love you. Because we're family, you idiot.
[He was, to some thin extent, a different person. No one here had ever truly known 'Ardyn Izunia', colored and blackened only by hate and all memory of being human lost to him. They'd known a shadow of a shadow, a flickering candle of ages-old hatred on the verge of going out. Had he awoken there as the Chancellor, as the Accursed...well, odds were good that no one would have survived.Still--all that had been done had still been done by his own hand. No one else's. Perhaps he wanted to be held accountable for that, finally having done something worth being ostracized for.]
[But he didn't argue the point--this wasn't the time. He just...laughed, quiet and shaken. Why? Why Lunafreya, why Noctis, why all of them, why did this keep happening-]
...I've a terrible track record with family. Just ask Noctis, I'm sure he'll confirm that.
[What was meant to sound like a joke came out with that same shaky almost-a-laugh.]
I don't...want to be forgiven. Even if I were, I don't need something like that. I don't want to be cast out or left behind again. I-I just--
[Ardyn's voice cracked, and he tried very hard to level it out before speaking again.]
...I just want to keep living a little longer. With you and all of the others.
[ Her heart's in her throat and it takes her a moment to try and respond. He sounds like he's about to cry and Yuuri's not entirely sure she trusts herself to keep it together if he does. She has to take a deep, soggy breath to undo the knot in her chest and she has to force her voice steady so he can't hear it catch again. ]
Good. Good because... b--because we're not going to give you much of a choice. Do you think I'm going to let you go anywhere before-- before you've even taught me how to use a sword?
[ It's the worst possible time for levity and it's an even worse joke. The wheezy laugh she gives is just as forced as you'd expect it to be. ]
And Junpei-- if you went and disappeared before he had a chance to humiliate you and Church at your wedding then he'd never forgive you. So you're stuck with us for the foreseeable future, I'm afraid. You don't get a say in it.
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no subject
There's...far more than I've said. Some things I've brought up with all of you, a few I've only said to Junpei, and still more I've only told Church. But it's not a matter of lying or keeping secrets--not anymore. Not with any of you, I just...don't know where to begin, and perhaps I find myself still wondering if there truly is a line none of you are yet aware of.
['Is there really nothing we can call 'unforgivable' just for the sake of staying together?']
[Ardyn still wasn't sure of the answer to that. He trusted the others, and yet trust for someone who had been scarred by a kingdom's betrayal could only reach so far.]
...I've done worse to Noctis than the network can. So as much as I have faith he'll survive, I-...don't know what might happen if it should come out that he didn't.
no subject
[ She doesn't say anything else for a long moment -- she just sets a plate piled with buttered toast and a handful of fruit slices in front of him before going back to her own food.
Then she speaks up again. ]
But it doesn't. Maybe I'm selfish but the one thing I want more than anything is just for all of us to be able to stay together. To be happy, after everything that's happened.
And that means no matter what it turns out happened in that place, we're going to be with you while we do what we can to fix it. Whatever it turns out they did in there, we're not letting any of it go unanswered for.
no subject
But I...want us to stay together. Perhaps it's selfish of me as well, but the last thing I ever want is to be left alone a second time. In dismantling the network and whatever may come after that-...I don't want to be left behind.
no subject
She'd like to be naive enough to think that it'd change a damn thing.
But he sounds so lost. And Yuuri thinks what does it matter what Eos would think? Why does she give a damn what Noctis will say when he sees the man he killed back out of the grave? But even as the thoght crosses her mind, she realizes: she cares because it would matter to Ardyn.
Yuuri leaves her breakfast sitting unfinished on the sideboard and just crosses the room so she can put her arms around his shoulders and press her face into his hair in as best a hug as she can manage. ]
... Not one more person. Do you remember when I said that? I said we weren't going to lose any more people in that goddamn place and I meant it. But it still counts here, too. I'm so sick of losing people. Of letting people get left behind. I'm not letting it happen again, no matter what.
I don't care what or who we have to fight to make it happen. When all this is over, you're coming with us. No matter what. And that's that.
no subject
...I don't deserve any of you or the loyalty you've given me. I know that you'll argue, but it's true all the same. After all that I've done--all the suffering I've caused in the name of revenge I found justified, I should have died in Insomnia and let that be the end of it.
[His voice faltered with that acknowledgment, quiet and colored by uncertainty. What was Noctis going to think, if they were able to meet again? Would he believe Ardyn had lied and manipulated his way into this whole group, that he was just lying in wait for a chance to betray every last one of them for his own benefit? Or-...]
When it was over, I asked him what he would do. If he truly planned to banish the daemons--both of us knowing it would cost him his life. I asked if he would erase me from history once more. I'm not sure what I expected--perhaps that he'd tell me to stay dead this time, or confirm I'd be eradicated from existence in any and all forms.
[Had he told anyone this? Surely he'd said it to Church at some point, more than likely. But did anyone know how much a brief exchange haunted him now, with time enough to dwell on it and without the constant burning hatred making him something other than human.]
But he just looked at me and said...'this time, you can rest in peace. Close your eyes--forevermore'.
[When the prophecy is fulfilled, all in thrall to darkness shall know peace.]
[Again, sympathy where it hadn't been deserved or even wanted. Ardyn Izunia couldn't comprehend it, and Tenmyouji Ardyn was still struggling to understand it. Why had either of them cared even that much, after all he'd done? Why did anyone here ever give a damn about him? Why, when a whole kingdom and his own family had turned on him so easily, did no one else seem willing to condemn him when things came down to it?]
[Ardyn hugged Yuuri a little tighter--trying to hide the fact that his shoulders might have been shaking.]
...that is the last thing that I remember. What I am saying is that I don't have anywhere to return to--just you and the others. And I don't...understand why, after everything-even with yet worse that most of you don't even realize--you're still so willing to remain with me.
[Ultimately, 'forgiveness' was not something Ardyn knew well.]
no subject
But hearing that -- it settles her, just a little. She's spent a very long time bristling at the very mention of the so-called Chosen King but the more she hears of him the more she thinks that... maybe, just maybe he might understand. He might be able to see how the man he'd put to death had ended up as the man sat here in the middle of an alien's house and asking just why he deserved to be offered a basic courtesy like compassion.
She hopes so. God, she hopes so. ]
... I won't tell you any of what happened was-- was okay, or that you haven't done anything wrong. I'm not going to tell you "it's all in the past, you were a different person"... nothing stupid like that. I know it won't help and I think... if any of us were the kind of people who'd tell you a lie like that because we thought you wanted to hear it, we wouldn't be the kind of people you need by your side.
And that... wasn't my world. It wasn't my kingdom, my city. It isn't my place to look at something like that and decide I forgive you for it. B--but... but it also means I don't have any place to decide you don't belong with us because of it either.
It's not about what you deserve. It's not about what any of us deserve. I don't give a damn about any of that anymore.
[ Her words are a little muffled -- she's got her face pressed into his shoulder now (or well, as close as she can get with the difference in their height) but even then she sounds fierce. Even with the catch in her voice that betrays the presence of tears in her eyes. ]
We want you with us because-- because we love you. Because we're family, you idiot.
no subject
[But he didn't argue the point--this wasn't the time. He just...laughed, quiet and shaken. Why? Why Lunafreya, why Noctis, why all of them, why did this keep happening-]
...I've a terrible track record with family. Just ask Noctis, I'm sure he'll confirm that.
[What was meant to sound like a joke came out with that same shaky almost-a-laugh.]
I don't...want to be forgiven. Even if I were, I don't need something like that. I don't want to be cast out or left behind again. I-I just--
[Ardyn's voice cracked, and he tried very hard to level it out before speaking again.]
...I just want to keep living a little longer. With you and all of the others.
no subject
Good. Good because... b--because we're not going to give you much of a choice. Do you think I'm going to let you go anywhere before-- before you've even taught me how to use a sword?
[ It's the worst possible time for levity and it's an even worse joke. The wheezy laugh she gives is just as forced as you'd expect it to be. ]
And Junpei-- if you went and disappeared before he had a chance to humiliate you and Church at your wedding then he'd never forgive you. So you're stuck with us for the foreseeable future, I'm afraid. You don't get a say in it.
no subject
[Reason didn't always factor into it, of course.]
I doubt I'll be much of a fiancé or a father, you know. But I'm not...going anywhere. No matter what might happen. I already promised Leonard as much, and I'll swear the same to the rest of you.
no subject
You've not been doing a bad job of it so far, though. And I picked you for the job and everything. So I'm not just saying it because I have to.
[ See, we're joking. Things are marginally less hellish and upsetting now. ]
...I just... that's all I want, too. I want to keep living with you and everyone else for as long as I can.
no subject
[Ardyn pulled back slightly and quickly swiped the back of his hand across his eyes, managing a hesitant smile.]
...That sounds perfectly ideal. This family is all that I have and yet far more than I ever expected, so I am never leaving it behind.