[ It makes Yuuri feel ill at ease to hear Ardyn talking like that. It's not fear exactly but a shade close to it, only a few hues different enough to change the tint. She would trust -- has already trusted -- Tenmyouji Ardyn with her life and everything besides it. But when he talks like that, she's reminded that the man she knows know wasn't always like this, there was a man called Ardyn Izunia who wore his face and had his voice but had nothing but spite and hate and black running through his veins.
She's not scared of him. She has no reason to be. But sometimes... just sometimes... ]
I don't think that's strange at all. I think...
[ God. She wishes she knew what to say. Yuuri feels like she never does. For a terrible moment, she finds herself longing for the relative emotional simplicity of a trial or the Sunday following and hates hates hates herself for even letting the thought cross her mind. Ardyn is so old and his problems are so cosmic that what could a girl like her, barely even an adult, do for him?
She can listen. She can let him know that he isn't alone. It won't solve the problem but maybe she needs to start learning that she can't solve every problem. ]
I think something like that... it's perfectly human, isn't it? He was your brother. You two grew up together and even if he-- ... even if things changed. I don't think it's strange for you to miss him. I'm sure he-- I'm sure they--
[ She runs out of words. Because she can't be sure of anything, can she?
Yuuri doesn't turn her head, not wanting to disturb his work, but she slides her hand out of her lap and reaches it back for him to take. ]
... I'm sorry. About... him. And all the rest of it.
[Sometimes the human he was now flickered into something else; the self-sacrificial nature of Ardyn Lucis Caelum would flare up in a brief desperation to burn himself out protecting this family. Other times Ardyn Izunia would be a splash of gasoline on smoldering embers of the hatred and spite and rage that ended a planet.]
[He wasn't really sure he remembered what defined 'human'. He didn't know those flickering moments were something flawed in Tenmyouji Ardyn, showing the cracks where he'd put himself together--or if that was just flawed humanity in itself.]
[But the hands that finished a braid exactly as he'd seen Vandeae do every morning for over twenty years were gentle and cautious; not the perfectly delicate touch of a healer, and not the careless touch of a murderer.]
Forgive me. I'm talking too much, aren't I?
[And the hand that took Yuuri's--the other arm that rested light around her shoulders in an uncertain hug--were undoubtedly the warm and living flame of a human life.]
[ She squeezes his hand, shakes her head and glances back so she can give him a smile. ]
Not too much at all. If I didn't want you to talk then I wouldn't ask, would I? And I'm asking because I want to be able to understand. I feel like I've done a lot of talking about myself and everything back home so maybe now it's my turn to listen.
[ And she does, so badly, want to understand. She wants to sit with Arianna and hear about all her dear friends. She wants to learn the name of every single one of Heart's fallen comrades, Queenie's family, Choromatsu's brothers. She wants to sit with Junpei and absorb as much as he feels comfortable telling her about the everything his life had been before he'd come to the Fantasy Sweet. ]
But don't feel like you have to talk, just because I'm asking. If you need to stop or if I should change the subject or-- anything, okay? Just let me know.
It's quite alright, I've no problem answering things like this. You and the others are all I have for family now, so it should only be right that I trust you with matters like this.
Besides that...I suppose that if I don't linger on the matter from time to time, I'm liable to forget more than I'd like to. So if there's something you wish to know, you need only ask me.
... Then... would it be alright if I asked a little about your parents, too?
[ Maybe that's less of a sting. Maybe more. She has no way of knowing until she asks if she's going to stick the knife in the worst possible place or if there's a stay of execution yet. ]
I know-- I mean, they're really nothing to do with me, I'm sure but I... if we're all a family here, I feel like I should know more about them.
[Ardyn didn't answer at first; if Yuuri turned around she'd see he didn't look shocked or upset. It was more like when she'd asked about his birthday--as if he was trying to recall something mildly inconvenient to have forgotten.]
Let-...let me think. [Ardyn hesitated, speaking up mostly to confirm he was still there and trying to come up with an answer. Start with what he knew first, that would be easier.]
Our father was the first king of Lucis--the hero of the Astral War that ended in our bloodline being granted the Crystal. He founded the kingdom and built Insomnia.
[Objectively, he remembered he was the son of the Founder King, of course. More vaguely he was almost sure Izunia had taken after the king in appearance and...possibly demeanor? It was hard to recall with any clarity; those memories felt at once within reach and also two thousand years away.]
I think...he was likely a bit more serious himself. I can remember they were often preoccupied with matters of establishing a functional kingdom and reinforcing the capital.
[ It's a little awkward to face away while they're talking, now that her braid is neatly in place so she turns -- sitting sideways in the chair, leaning her shoulder against the backrest as she looks up at him. Her expression is troubled, mixed in with a little guilt. It's clear she feels a little bad about asking even if he'd told her to go ahead.
But even if remembering isn't quite as pleasant, forgetting would be worse, she thinks. It hurts her to know she's forgotten so much, however unwillingly, about Ruu. What would it be like to cast your mind back and suddenly realise you couldn't remember your own mother and father? ]
I'm not surprised. Raising a family's hard enough without having to worry about raising a whole kingdom besides that.
...He was a good man, I think. Would hardly have been welcomed as the first king of a country if he was anything else. [Ardyn leaned back in his own chair, raising a hand to his face as he tried to concentrate. The Ring of the Lucii, the Blade of the Mystic, the modest silver crown passed through over a hundred generations--he was certain all of those had been his father's, once. There had to be some point he could find that ended in actual information.]
My coronation was when I was sixteen if I recall correctly, so I expect something must have happened around then. Even Lucis doesn't make it a habit of crowning teenagers unless there's little other option.
[Think, damn it. He'd studied Lucian history where he hadn't lived it, so he should have been able to come up with something. It started with an A, he knew that much--]
The second king of Lucis. Are you...sorry, are you trying to tell me you think there are one hundred thirteen kings named 'Noctis' to end with 'Noctis Lucis Caelum CXIV'?
[ You know that voice she had when he was first done telling her about all the shit that went down in Eos and she sounded personally offended and like she was considering hauling off and fighting an entire country in the streets?
It's back. ]
What would be the point of sticking that number at the end of your name if you weren't named after your father? Is-- is that really just how it works in Eos?!
Your worlds are the ones with ridiculous things like rabbits, don't start with me.
[Ardyn sighed, running a hand through his hair.]
Following royal naming conventions she wouldn't have, no. I think-... [He trailed off, uncertain.] Father's name started with an A, and hers...hers was with an I, that was as close to naming the two of us after them as it came. I-...Ia--Iacinthina, that was it. I'm almost certain of it.
[ He's almost certain. That terrible thought about what it would be like to realize you'd forgotten your own parents is so close to being a reality that she almost regrets asking.
Maybe that's why, rather than respond with another question she finds herself saying -- ]
Our parents did the same thing -- or um, something like that anyway. Ruu-chan and me... both of us were named after our mother. Ryoko. They picked out our names using the kanji in hers.
[ It's the first time she's said much of anything about her parents since all of this began and even Yuuri looks a little startled to find the words coming out of her mouth. ]
Mm. It's, um-- it's not the same character in all of our names but it's the same meaning. "Distant". I'm still not sure why they decided to name us like that but... I guess it ended up being appropriate.
[ Does she sound just a little bitter? Surely you're imagining things. ]
[ "Distant" is about right for her tone now, though. ]
Maybe not for us, but... hm. [ she's frowning a little, like she's trying to work out if it's somehow untoward of her to admit what she's about to say. ] She wasn't a bad mother -- she worked very hard and she loved me and Ruu-chan very much. I know that.
But I always felt... a little more like a guest on her best behaviour rather than her daughter. Does that make sense?
I was royalty, dear, of course it makes sense. [Ardyn leaned over and rested his head on one hand with a halfhearted smile.]
I can't recall having any negative memories of my parents, but...Father was the Founder King before all else, I think. There was a certain level of decorum expected of the crown prince that was not always easy to maintain.
...Though I can't quite imagine feeling that way when it's not necessary of your position.
It was... I honestly can't really understand why it felt like that. It wasn't like anyone ever told us that's how things had to be. But I think maybe we got told one too many times just how busy they both were. Especially once I got old enough to look after Ruu-chan while they were out.
I used to think things like "Mom and Dad are already so busy, so I have to be on my best behaviour". I didn't want to cause them any more trouble. Or something like that, anyway.
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She's not scared of him. She has no reason to be. But sometimes... just sometimes... ]
I don't think that's strange at all. I think...
[ God. She wishes she knew what to say. Yuuri feels like she never does. For a terrible moment, she finds herself longing for the relative emotional simplicity of a trial or the Sunday following and hates hates hates herself for even letting the thought cross her mind. Ardyn is so old and his problems are so cosmic that what could a girl like her, barely even an adult, do for him?
She can listen. She can let him know that he isn't alone. It won't solve the problem but maybe she needs to start learning that she can't solve every problem. ]
I think something like that... it's perfectly human, isn't it? He was your brother. You two grew up together and even if he-- ... even if things changed. I don't think it's strange for you to miss him. I'm sure he-- I'm sure they--
[ She runs out of words. Because she can't be sure of anything, can she?
Yuuri doesn't turn her head, not wanting to disturb his work, but she slides her hand out of her lap and reaches it back for him to take. ]
... I'm sorry. About... him. And all the rest of it.
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[Sometimes the human he was now flickered into something else; the self-sacrificial nature of Ardyn Lucis Caelum would flare up in a brief desperation to burn himself out protecting this family. Other times Ardyn Izunia would be a splash of gasoline on smoldering embers of the hatred and spite and rage that ended a planet.]
[He wasn't really sure he remembered what defined 'human'. He didn't know those flickering moments were something flawed in Tenmyouji Ardyn, showing the cracks where he'd put himself together--or if that was just flawed humanity in itself.]
[But the hands that finished a braid exactly as he'd seen Vandeae do every morning for over twenty years were gentle and cautious; not the perfectly delicate touch of a healer, and not the careless touch of a murderer.]
Forgive me. I'm talking too much, aren't I?
[And the hand that took Yuuri's--the other arm that rested light around her shoulders in an uncertain hug--were undoubtedly the warm and living flame of a human life.]
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Not too much at all. If I didn't want you to talk then I wouldn't ask, would I? And I'm asking because I want to be able to understand. I feel like I've done a lot of talking about myself and everything back home so maybe now it's my turn to listen.
[ And she does, so badly, want to understand. She wants to sit with Arianna and hear about all her dear friends. She wants to learn the name of every single one of Heart's fallen comrades, Queenie's family, Choromatsu's brothers. She wants to sit with Junpei and absorb as much as he feels comfortable telling her about the everything his life had been before he'd come to the Fantasy Sweet. ]
But don't feel like you have to talk, just because I'm asking. If you need to stop or if I should change the subject or-- anything, okay? Just let me know.
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Besides that...I suppose that if I don't linger on the matter from time to time, I'm liable to forget more than I'd like to. So if there's something you wish to know, you need only ask me.
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[ Maybe that's less of a sting. Maybe more. She has no way of knowing until she asks if she's going to stick the knife in the worst possible place or if there's a stay of execution yet. ]
I know-- I mean, they're really nothing to do with me, I'm sure but I... if we're all a family here, I feel like I should know more about them.
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[Ardyn didn't answer at first; if Yuuri turned around she'd see he didn't look shocked or upset. It was more like when she'd asked about his birthday--as if he was trying to recall something mildly inconvenient to have forgotten.]
Let-...let me think. [Ardyn hesitated, speaking up mostly to confirm he was still there and trying to come up with an answer. Start with what he knew first, that would be easier.]
Our father was the first king of Lucis--the hero of the Astral War that ended in our bloodline being granted the Crystal. He founded the kingdom and built Insomnia.
[Objectively, he remembered he was the son of the Founder King, of course. More vaguely he was almost sure Izunia had taken after the king in appearance and...possibly demeanor? It was hard to recall with any clarity; those memories felt at once within reach and also two thousand years away.]
I think...he was likely a bit more serious himself. I can remember they were often preoccupied with matters of establishing a functional kingdom and reinforcing the capital.
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But even if remembering isn't quite as pleasant, forgetting would be worse, she thinks. It hurts her to know she's forgotten so much, however unwillingly, about Ruu. What would it be like to cast your mind back and suddenly realise you couldn't remember your own mother and father? ]
I'm not surprised. Raising a family's hard enough without having to worry about raising a whole kingdom besides that.
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My coronation was when I was sixteen if I recall correctly, so I expect something must have happened around then. Even Lucis doesn't make it a habit of crowning teenagers unless there's little other option.
[Think, damn it. He'd studied Lucian history where he hadn't lived it, so he should have been able to come up with something. It started with an A, he knew that much--]
...A-...Aegithus. Aegithus Lucis Caelum I.
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[ She looks a little puzzled at that. It's not really a strange enough name coming from Ardyn Lucis Millionlastnames so why does she look so...? ]
I thought -- well, I always imagined he'd be "Ardyn" as well. Your father, I mean.
[ Ah, no. It's just Eos Being Eos. ]
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[He shook his head, trying to focus back on Yuuri and looking faintly confused.]
Why would you think my name to match his? True, the practice isn't unheard of, but it's not one that's often expected.
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[ She says all this as if it should be screamingly obvious just what the issue is. ]
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[Nope, not getting it.]
The second king of Lucis. Are you...sorry, are you trying to tell me you think there are one hundred thirteen kings named 'Noctis' to end with 'Noctis Lucis Caelum CXIV'?
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[
The second king of -- that's not how names work.
[ she sounds so offended. ]
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[
Why would over one hundred kings have the same name, that's asinine!
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[ You know that voice she had when he was first done telling her about all the shit that went down in Eos and she sounded personally offended and like she was considering hauling off and fighting an entire country in the streets?
It's back. ]
What would be the point of sticking that number at the end of your name if you weren't named after your father? Is-- is that really just how it works in Eos?!
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[DON'T YELL AT HIM HE'S SO CONFUSED]
I-I don't know, take it up with Father or Bahamut, I had nothing to do with it!
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[ Yuuri Wakasa: twelve years old, apparently. ]
Then what about your mother? She didn't have any unnecessary numbers in her name, did she?
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[Ardyn sighed, running a hand through his hair.]
Following royal naming conventions she wouldn't have, no. I think-... [He trailed off, uncertain.] Father's name started with an A, and hers...hers was with an I, that was as close to naming the two of us after them as it came. I-...Ia--Iacinthina, that was it. I'm almost certain of it.
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Maybe that's why, rather than respond with another question she finds herself saying -- ]
Our parents did the same thing -- or um, something like that anyway. Ruu-chan and me... both of us were named after our mother. Ryoko. They picked out our names using the kanji in hers.
[ It's the first time she's said much of anything about her parents since all of this began and even Yuuri looks a little startled to find the words coming out of her mouth. ]
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[ Does she sound just a little bitter? Surely you're imagining things. ]
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I don't think it did. Perhaps it was suitable once, but right now you're the farthest thing from 'distant' I can imagine.
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[ "Distant" is about right for her tone now, though. ]
Maybe not for us, but... hm. [ she's frowning a little, like she's trying to work out if it's somehow untoward of her to admit what she's about to say. ] She wasn't a bad mother -- she worked very hard and she loved me and Ruu-chan very much. I know that.
But I always felt... a little more like a guest on her best behaviour rather than her daughter. Does that make sense?
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I can't recall having any negative memories of my parents, but...Father was the Founder King before all else, I think. There was a certain level of decorum expected of the crown prince that was not always easy to maintain.
...Though I can't quite imagine feeling that way when it's not necessary of your position.
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It was... I honestly can't really understand why it felt like that. It wasn't like anyone ever told us that's how things had to be. But I think maybe we got told one too many times just how busy they both were. Especially once I got old enough to look after Ruu-chan while they were out.
I used to think things like "Mom and Dad are already so busy, so I have to be on my best behaviour". I didn't want to cause them any more trouble. Or something like that, anyway.
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