[ It's never enough. It's nothing that anyone has ever said or even implied they felt but something Yuuri carries in her heart anyway. These people -- her family -- have all done so much for her just by being with her. She can never repay them for what they've all done without even trying. She has to give them everything just to even the scales.
She opens her mouth to say as much or something like it but finds that she can't make the words come out. Because... something about that suddenly rings wrong after the talk they'd just had. After she'd been so furious on his behalf about him being expected to give, give, give and get nothing but pain in return. If she's so angry about that burden being placed on a king then why should she expect something like that from herself? They certainly don't expect it from her.
Her hands tighten a little on Ardyn's. ]
We pulled you out of all that dark but we could only do it because you were reaching back. I don't know if you wanted to be saved, back when this all started. But I know one thing. I know you wanted to help us.
[ It's not a matter of give or take. It's not a matter of equal shares or working yourself til you're sick to convince yourself that maybe that's enough. Because that's not how it works. And because if you feel like you're falling behind, one of us will pull you. And if you feel like you can't go on then one of us will push you.
It's as simple as that, isn't it? Because that's just what family does. ]
Back home, no--I was a long-dead lost cause. Anything that was ever human within Ardyn Izunia had been crushed out and replaced with something twisted and wrong; a cataclysm fueled by the spiteful memories of a dead healer. He didn't want to be saved--at least, not 'saved' in the way you're talking about.
[All that he'd done, all he'd manipulated and influenced behind the scenes--from Insomnia's invasion to Altissia's fall to leading Noctis straight to the Crystal--it had all been leading to one purpose.]
['Only once the Crystal and King are no more...can I know redemption.']
[Salvation and redemption to Ardyn Izunia meant forcing a child of twenty--no, thirty--to be left with no option but to cut down one to save many. To die alongside him, the last two remnants of the Lucian bloodline.]
...I can not say if I wanted to be saved or not in these past months. I think I must have, at one point or another--but I knew I didn't deserve it. I still don't. It should be Noctis here in my place; if either of the last remnants of the Lucis Caelum dynasty should be saved, then it should have been him that lived.
[Ardyn went distantly quiet, stare lowered to their hands for a moment--briefly he was back in Insomnia, rain falling from a blighted sky. 'This time, you can-']
[He shook his head, pulling himself out of his own memories and looking back up to Yuuri.]
...But I didn't have a choice. It seems I never do, when it comes to matters like this. I had no option but to act as pawn to the Astrals because I once wished only to protect others, and the rest of you simply refused to allow me to again crush out that resurrected memory of that human and his blind selflessness. None of you let someone who only knew betrayal simply forget how to trust again.
This family is so much more than I should have. But it's mine regardless.
... I don't think... after everything that's happened I don't think it's about "deserving" things or "what we should have".
[ Her voice is a little halting and unsure. Even as she feels the words out she's not sure what it is she's trying to say. Because if it was about what anyone deserved then they never would've lost Mai. They wouldn't have Kip with them. It feels good to talk about getting justice, giving the network what they deserve but the more Yuuri thinks that word over the less she likes it. ]
Whatever we 'should have' doesn't matter anymore. What we have is... all this. This ship and this family. And I don't think any one of us is ever going to let any of it go. We're yours and you're ours. Deserving or not.
[ She smiles. It's small and tired but it's as sincere a smile as she's ever given any of them. ]
[It was difficult--no, impossible for Ardyn to let go of the desire for vengeance. Someone should have paid for what they had all gone through and all those they'd lost, and as far as he was concerned someone would. Was it right to want bloody revenge on the network? The exalted savior of Lucis would disagree. Vengeance caused more problems than it solved; destroy them and risk something worse rising to take its place. Yet the Accursed would demand fires lit and blood shed, trample the network so soundly underfoot that all across the stars would look to the example and never dare tread the same path.]
[...It was difficult to prioritize what he wanted and what might someday be necessary; Ardyn was only human, after all.]
I don't know if I can completely agree with that. Not after what I've done--I'm the last person deserving of a second chance, no matter what the rest of you think.
But I already tried to discourage all of you once, and we all saw how well that went--at least two of you want to fight a god the size of a building in my defense. Possibly three, if we're to include you. Accursed scourge of an entire planet, and that barely got any of you to blink, much less turn on me.
[Despite the honest but pessimistic wording, a smile drifted across Ardyn's face.]
...You know, when I said I never had children, that wasn't a suggestion that applications were open. [He shook his head, hands gently pulling away from Yuuri's in favor of holding his arms out to her just slightly--hesitant, like he wasn't sure what he was doing.] But I'm immeasurably grateful for the family that so stubbornly adopted me.
[ It strikes her somewhere new in her chest to hear that word again. Family. She's been throwing it around so readily and easily ever since she'd realized that's what they were but all of a sudden she realizes all over just how strongly she feels the same: that she could not ever express how grateful she is for this ragtag group of people.
She has no idea what happened to her parents. She still isn't sure of what might have happened to Ruu. And the School Living Club, as fiercely as she loved it wasn't a family -- it was more pack than anything else, a group of people thrown together and surviving by the skin of their teeth because any other choice meant death. It's never occurred to her before but she realizes now that all of them had been orphans in some way or another.
Had been, is the key word. She doesn't quite know when or how it happened but there's suddenly a father in her life again. A father who laughs and smiles and puts his arms out for a hug and doesn't talk to her, look at her like she's a guest in her own home who makes him nervous.
Yuuri steps forward and throws her arms around him in a tight, fierce hug. Compared to Ardyn, she's pint-sized but there's a whole lot of strength in those arms. ]
... me too. I don't know where I'd be without any of you.
[ She gives a shaky little laugh. ]
I think we both surprised ourselves a bit, though.
[ You remember the sweater and the yelling, Ardyn. ]
I won't lie and pretend it isn't slightly jarring every time one of you calls me that. Of all the things I've been, I don't believe 'father figure' was ever anywhere on the list.
[But he put his arms around her all the same; still hesitant, doubting and second-guessing if he was taking the right approach. Doubting if he was what Yuuri and Junpei and Clarith thought he was or needed him to be, after everything. Doubting, even now, if he was human enough for this. But in another lifetime, before ages in darkness and solitude, he'd had a family. Had people he loved dearly--parents, brother, Shield--people he would have once sacrificed everything for.]
[...People that discarded him, and who he discarded in turn.]
[There had, possibly, been part of him back then that envied his brother as Izunia must have envied him. Wasn't it so much preferable to stay in one place, with a loving family and no constant traveling, no endless struggling and slow, gradual descent into raging madness? Had his little brother held any idea how Ardyn had never dared admit to wanting that?]
[Deserved or not, maybe it really wasn't too late. Hesitant or not he held on to Yuuri like he fully intended to protect her from a million threats in a thousand worlds.]
...it'll be different this time. [He said that half to himself; never again, just as he'd promised Queenie. No more betrayal, no more family going behind each other's backs and throwing away the time they'd spent together.]
[As much as the concept still left even Ardyn unnerved, he could trust these people--his family--and believe that trust would not be cast aside.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
She opens her mouth to say as much or something like it but finds that she can't make the words come out. Because... something about that suddenly rings wrong after the talk they'd just had. After she'd been so furious on his behalf about him being expected to give, give, give and get nothing but pain in return. If she's so angry about that burden being placed on a king then why should she expect something like that from herself? They certainly don't expect it from her.
Her hands tighten a little on Ardyn's. ]
We pulled you out of all that dark but we could only do it because you were reaching back. I don't know if you wanted to be saved, back when this all started. But I know one thing. I know you wanted to help us.
[ It's not a matter of give or take. It's not a matter of equal shares or working yourself til you're sick to convince yourself that maybe that's enough. Because that's not how it works. And because if you feel like you're falling behind, one of us will pull you. And if you feel like you can't go on then one of us will push you.
It's as simple as that, isn't it? Because that's just what family does. ]
... We saved each other. All of us.
no subject
[All that he'd done, all he'd manipulated and influenced behind the scenes--from Insomnia's invasion to Altissia's fall to leading Noctis straight to the Crystal--it had all been leading to one purpose.]
['Only once the Crystal and King are no more...can I know redemption.']
[Salvation and redemption to Ardyn Izunia meant forcing a child of twenty--no, thirty--to be left with no option but to cut down one to save many. To die alongside him, the last two remnants of the Lucian bloodline.]
...I can not say if I wanted to be saved or not in these past months. I think I must have, at one point or another--but I knew I didn't deserve it. I still don't. It should be Noctis here in my place; if either of the last remnants of the Lucis Caelum dynasty should be saved, then it should have been him that lived.
[Ardyn went distantly quiet, stare lowered to their hands for a moment--briefly he was back in Insomnia, rain falling from a blighted sky. 'This time, you can-']
[He shook his head, pulling himself out of his own memories and looking back up to Yuuri.]
...But I didn't have a choice. It seems I never do, when it comes to matters like this. I had no option but to act as pawn to the Astrals because I once wished only to protect others, and the rest of you simply refused to allow me to again crush out that resurrected memory of that human and his blind selflessness. None of you let someone who only knew betrayal simply forget how to trust again.
This family is so much more than I should have. But it's mine regardless.
no subject
[ Her voice is a little halting and unsure. Even as she feels the words out she's not sure what it is she's trying to say. Because if it was about what anyone deserved then they never would've lost Mai. They wouldn't have Kip with them. It feels good to talk about getting justice, giving the network what they deserve but the more Yuuri thinks that word over the less she likes it. ]
Whatever we 'should have' doesn't matter anymore. What we have is... all this. This ship and this family. And I don't think any one of us is ever going to let any of it go. We're yours and you're ours. Deserving or not.
[ She smiles. It's small and tired but it's as sincere a smile as she's ever given any of them. ]
no subject
[...It was difficult to prioritize what he wanted and what might someday be necessary; Ardyn was only human, after all.]
I don't know if I can completely agree with that. Not after what I've done--I'm the last person deserving of a second chance, no matter what the rest of you think.
But I already tried to discourage all of you once, and we all saw how well that went--at least two of you want to fight a god the size of a building in my defense. Possibly three, if we're to include you. Accursed scourge of an entire planet, and that barely got any of you to blink, much less turn on me.
[Despite the honest but pessimistic wording, a smile drifted across Ardyn's face.]
...You know, when I said I never had children, that wasn't a suggestion that applications were open. [He shook his head, hands gently pulling away from Yuuri's in favor of holding his arms out to her just slightly--hesitant, like he wasn't sure what he was doing.] But I'm immeasurably grateful for the family that so stubbornly adopted me.
no subject
She has no idea what happened to her parents. She still isn't sure of what might have happened to Ruu. And the School Living Club, as fiercely as she loved it wasn't a family -- it was more pack than anything else, a group of people thrown together and surviving by the skin of their teeth because any other choice meant death. It's never occurred to her before but she realizes now that all of them had been orphans in some way or another.
Had been, is the key word. She doesn't quite know when or how it happened but there's suddenly a father in her life again. A father who laughs and smiles and puts his arms out for a hug and doesn't talk to her, look at her like she's a guest in her own home who makes him nervous.
Yuuri steps forward and throws her arms around him in a tight, fierce hug. Compared to Ardyn, she's pint-sized but there's a whole lot of strength in those arms. ]
... me too. I don't know where I'd be without any of you.
[ She gives a shaky little laugh. ]
I think we both surprised ourselves a bit, though.
[ You remember the sweater and the yelling, Ardyn. ]
no subject
[But he put his arms around her all the same; still hesitant, doubting and second-guessing if he was taking the right approach. Doubting if he was what Yuuri and Junpei and Clarith thought he was or needed him to be, after everything. Doubting, even now, if he was human enough for this. But in another lifetime, before ages in darkness and solitude, he'd had a family. Had people he loved dearly--parents, brother, Shield--people he would have once sacrificed everything for.]
[...People that discarded him, and who he discarded in turn.]
[There had, possibly, been part of him back then that envied his brother as Izunia must have envied him. Wasn't it so much preferable to stay in one place, with a loving family and no constant traveling, no endless struggling and slow, gradual descent into raging madness? Had his little brother held any idea how Ardyn had never dared admit to wanting that?]
[Deserved or not, maybe it really wasn't too late. Hesitant or not he held on to Yuuri like he fully intended to protect her from a million threats in a thousand worlds.]
...it'll be different this time. [He said that half to himself; never again, just as he'd promised Queenie. No more betrayal, no more family going behind each other's backs and throwing away the time they'd spent together.]
[As much as the concept still left even Ardyn unnerved, he could trust these people--his family--and believe that trust would not be cast aside.]
I'm not-...we're not alone anymore.